


"Alice Takes a Blank" Series

by nikkilittle



Category: American McGee's Alice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 17:54:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15690429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikkilittle/pseuds/nikkilittle
Summary: Alice takes a break, dump, walk, pill.  First chapter is table of contents with description of each story.  Each chapter is a complete story.  Some chapters are canon, and some chapters are alternate universe with a modern American Alice in a real Wonderland.





	1. Table of Contents

Table of Contents

 

1\. Table of Contents

2\. Alice Takes a Break

Alice takes a bathroom break in the Fortress of Doors and gets interrupted. Oh, how rude!

3\. Alice Takes a Dump

Alice finds a second use for card guards.

4\. Alice Takes a Walk 

Alice gets mistaken for a call girl in the downtown Chicago business district late at night. What could go wrong? Alternate universe: a modern, American Alice in a real Wonderland.

5\. Alice Takes a Pill

Alice loses her temper in a Swilly's fast food restaurant when she witnesses a cook skip washing her hands in the restroom. Oh, the humanity! Alternate Universe: a modern American Alice in a real Wonderland.


	2. Alice Takes a Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alice takes a bathroom break in the Fortress of Doors and gets interrupted. Oh, how rude!

Alice Takes a Break

by Nikki Little

 

After downing her first dose of rage potion and slaughtering what had seemed to be half the Queen of Heart’s card guard army, Alice began looking around the Fortress of Doors for a much-needed door to a, ummm..., ladies’ room. Even a blood-soaked lunatic needs to take a leak sometimes. It took a few minutes, but eventually the above-mentioned room was found. Alice entered with a look of intense relief and promptly dropped her scrawny little butt on the toilet seat. And promptly splashed into the bowl. Cheshire popped up to enjoy her dilemma. “So the skinny wench just took a bath in the toilet bowl. You know this wouldn’t happen if you’d just eat something once in a while.”

Alice, looking irritated, saw it differently. “You mean I wouldn’t have dropped in if I had had a wider ass. You’d like that wouldn’t you, you little pervert.” Cheshire rolled his eyes. Getting this stick to eat was not going to be easy. She was 18 for pete’s sake and still hadn’t had a period. Cheshire faded away, and Alice balanced herself on the toilet seat with one butt cheek on the seat and the other hanging out in space. She heard the creak of the door opening. Cheshire did not use doors. Alice lifted her feet up off the floor and nearly fell in again. She readied her knife and cards. A malicious smile crossed her face and she contemplated the surprise that a card guard opening her door was going to receive.

Alice saw the card guard walk by through the crack of the closed door and waited. One by one the card guard opened the stall doors. It was obvious that he didn’t really expect to find anyone. He was just going through the motions. He opened Alice’s door. The blazing green eyes. The devilish grin. The twirling knife. He was gonna die. He knew it. Whack! Alice’s knife, thrown at point-blank, took his head clean off. The head flew through the air and landed in a sink. The body staggered backwards spewing blood like an upside-down waterfall and flipped upside down into a garbage can leaving the feet sticking up.

Alice walked over to the sink and picked the head up. She knew exactly what to do with the head. Cheshire popped up again and looked around at all the blood smeared all over the door of the stall, the floor, the garbage can, the sink, the ceiling, the gaslights, you get the idea... “Alice, not even a drunk man with a full bladder could make a mess like this. You’re unbelievable. I can’t take you anywhere!”

“It appears you can’t.” Alice threw the head out the window to a make-shift sort of playground where about a dozen insane school children were milling about. The card guard head dropped into their midst and they promptly began playing soccer with it. It appeared that card guards could be useful for something after all.

The End

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This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. Electronic Arts (EA) owns the copyrights.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	3. Alice Takes a Dump

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alice finds a second use for card guards.

Alice Takes a Dump

by Nikki Little

 

I was starting to feel a little desperate, you know? My last bathroom break had been in the Fortress of Doors, and I just didn't think I could hold it much longer. I seriously thought about doing on the Jabberwock's head, but after nailing him with the Eyestaff, there was no head left. What? Do it on Griffin? Are you nuts? Well, I did swipe a couple of his feathers for future use. Sorry to say.

Finally in the Queen of Hearts' Castle, I found a ladies' room. Looked like it hadn't been cleaned in decades. As far as I'm concerned, that alone was reason enough to kill her. Damn filthy bitch. I cleaned off the toilet seat with Griffin's feathers. It took all of them. Being absent-minded, I forgot to look around for toilet paper. I was feeling a bit of urgency. A need to relieve the pressure. No, not that kind of pressure. Do I look like a guy? Don't answer that.

What, you thought that warrior princesses never shit? I got news for you. And it don't smell like rose petals, either. My business finished, I looked around for toilet paper. No toilet paper. Fuck! I heard a door opening. Here we go again. 

I lifted my legs silently and waited with my trusty vorpal blade twirling in my hand. Come on, Guardie. Come on. The Card Guard opened stall door after stall door just like the last one. He was going through the motions not expecting to find anyone. Card Guards never were much for brain power. I've seen a few so dumb they keep trying to run while stuck up against a wall. The Card Guard opened my stall door.

"Look, Guardie! Pussy!" Whack! Dope just stood there like a deer with a lantern in its face. I probably had time to charge up the Eyestaff to take his head off. Maybe he'd never seen a female bush, before. Remind me to trim that damn thing. It's starting to look like one of Cheshire's hairballs. Now where am I going to get a pair of scissors in Queensland?

Cheshire popped up while I was still trying to figure out how to clean myself up. Cheshire looked at the Card Guard. "Go ahead. You know you want to." I did. Now I know that Card Guards have at least two uses.

The End

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This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) holds the copyrights.


	4. Alice Takes a Walk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alice gets mistaken for a call girl in the downtown Chicago business district late at night. What could go wrong? Alternate universe: a modern, American Alice in a real Wonderland.

Alice Takes a Walk

by Nikki Little

 

Eyelids were growing heavy at the Gnome Bar, and I could sense that last call was coming up. The air was a bit cool even for Wonderland, but no one was cold. The fire crackling in the stone fireplace in the center of all the metal lawn chairs that had long ago replaced the cut-off tree stumps as seats gave a cozy air. I was not ready for the night to end. It was time for the greatest storyteller in Wonderland, yours truly, to reach into his bag of tales. No pun intended.

I jumped up on the Gnome Bar counter, a health code violation in the persnickety world above, and asked the last few gnomes in attendance if they were in the mood for one of my late-night tales. Instantly the heavy eyelids all popped open. Oh, yes, they were definitely in the mood. Life in Wonderland had gotten rather boring since Hatter had married Lindsay Lohan. No more bimbo eruptions. Lindsay turned out to be remarkably devoid of entertainment value when she was drunk. Anyway, on with the tale. I curled up on the counter and began.

“It was sometime late in Obama's second term that Alice decided to take a walk in the downtown business district of Chicago after leading a homeless encampment on a middle-of-the-night grocery store ransacking. That was back in Alice's 'Princess of Thieves' days -- back when there was still a semblance of order and quasi-civilization in the world uptop. Alice had brought along a change of clothes and a blond wig in a large, trendy handbag -- the women of the affluent classes in those days were obsessed with ridiculously expensive handbags -- so that she could do some anonymous wandering around after the grocery store ransacking was over. Now some of you might not believe it, but Alice looked pretty good in a blond wig. A bit of a Marilyn Monroe vibe going on. Anyway, she was walking down the main drag of the Chicago business district looking at all the skyscrapers when a brand new Audi pulled up alongside her. The driver rolled his window down and tried to bargain with Alice. Alice herself has said that she just gave the driver a dirty look and told him to go home to his wife.”

I gestured to the rapt bartender and he brought me another glass of iced black tea with a catnip garnish. Yes, the Gnome bartenders kept a few ingredients behind the counter just for me. I continued with my tale.

“The driver was intrigued by Alice's indifference as he was convinced that Alice was a call-girl who lived in a nearby luxury apartment complex. He offered Alice ten thousand dollars for one hour. Now Alice is no dummy. She knew that ten thousand dollars was pocket change to this obvious one-percenter. Alice told him that he couldn't afford her if he wanted to bargain. It was at this point that Alice's eager pursuer offered to take her back to his work apartment. Alice gave him a harsh look and said that she had a clientele list of three and that her fee was six figures in cash. The driver said he had that much in a wall safe in his apartment and opened the passenger door for Alice.”

“You might be wondering where the cops were at this point, with such an obvious case of soliciting going on. It seems that the cops didn't bother people who were as obviously affluent as this driver and Alice with her expensive-looking handbag and flashy white dress. For the one-percenters, law enforcement was decidedly different. Well, Alice did say that there were no cop cars around at that point. The entire exchange was, no doubt, recorded by a number of security cameras in the area, some public and some private. The driver of the Audi obviously was unconcerned.”

I took a few sips of my iced black tea, and munched the catnip sprig. The day was nearly ended for the gnomes at the bar, but for me, the night had barely begun.

“Alice got into the Audi on the passenger side, and the driver, tickled at having made a successful bargain, sped away to his work apartment which was only two minutes away. He parked his Audi in a very expensive parking garage that had armed security guards everywhere, and then led Alice to his apartment building. He checked Alice in as a 'guest' at the security desk. Alice said that the guard at the desk looked her up and down and mentally undressed her.”

I gestured to the gnome bartender and asked for a virgin mint julep. I try to avoid alcohol. I leave the alcohol for the gnomes and humans. The bartender already had the lemon syrup prepared and stored in the refrigerator, so he was quick with my drink. He also gave me a small plate with a few sprigs of catnip.

“The Audi driver bounded up the stairs to his second floor apartment and unlocked two deadbolts on the ornate solid metal door, and then waived his wrist in front of the lock to unlock the third deadbolt. After entering, the Audi driver shoved the door securely shut, turned the deadbolts for two of the locks, and waived his wrist in front of an electronic scanner to close the third deadbolt. Alice suddenly realized that that third deadbolt with the electronic device had her locked in. She didn't say a word.”

“The apartment itself was quite luxurious with a gleaming kitchen full of stainless steel, a small dining room with an antique mahogany dining table for two, a living room with an enormous wall-mounted flat panel TV as its centerpiece, a small study with an expensive macbook pro lying on a desk, and the bedroom. The bed was obviously the most expensive thing in an already luxuriously appointed apartment. Antique wood, a canopy, and heavy sheets with a bedspread that looked like something out of a renaissance painting. There were curtains that you could draw around the bed.”

“The Audi driver pointed to the bed, and began stripping as he indicated for Alice to do the same. Alice cleared her throat and informed the Audi driver that she got paid in advance. The Audi driver invited Alice to leave if she didn't like the terms. Of course Alice didn't have the embedded wrist chip to unlock the electronic third deadbolt. The Audi driver stood there smirking at her. Alice walked into the bedroom and closed the door behind her. The bedroom door had no lock on it, Alice noticed. Alice wondered how many prostitutes this guy had lured to his apartment and stiffed. Alice admitted that she was kind of wishing that she was a vice cop at this point.”

“The naked-except-for-his-socks Audi driver threw open the lockless door to his bedroom and immediately froze. He was greeted by a completely nude except for socks Queen of Hearts. Yes, Alice had rage potion with her and took one of the two doses right in the eyes. Alice looked straight at him with her forked tongue hanging out and dropped a steaming load of partially coagulated menstrual blood on the floor. Like barfed-up Campbell's Chunky Beef Soup. The Audi driver instantly wilted and peed down his leg, went straight for his door -- still peeing, twisted the two conventional deadbolt locks -- still peeing, waived his wrist in front of the scanner -- still peeing, ran down the stairway -- still peeing, sprinted past the startled security guard -- still peeing, and ran straight down the street peeing all the way and screaming that he had just seen the Devil. Damn, it's amazing how much pee a one-percenter can hold.” 

I had just finished my virgin mint julep and asked for another iced black tea with catnip garnish. Telling Alice stories makes me thirsty.

“The security guard called the police who picked up the babbling streaker and promptly took him to the psychiatric ward of the hospital. Fortunately he had health insurance. According to all the tabloids, he spent the rest of his relatively short life in the Longview State Hospital for the Mentally Incapacitated, babbling that he had seen the Devil. Just for kicks, Alice visited him once a year or so -- wearing a white dress and blond wig.”

The gnome bartender shouted last call for alcohol, and everybody had one last shot of brandy. Then it was time to stagger home and off to bed to angry gnome wives. Yeah, I guess life in Wonderland does get sort of boring for the gnomes. Same old, same old every day. For me, though, the night was just beginning, and Wonderland Woods always held the possibility of a nighttime rendez-vous in the Mushroom Patch when I would get the chance to curl more than my tail.

The End

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This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

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Version 3


	5. Alice Takes a Pill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alice loses her temper in a Swilly's fast food restaurant when she witnesses a cook skip washing her hands in the restroom. Oh, the humanity! Alternate Universe: a modern American Alice in a real Wonderland.

Alice Takes a Pill

by Nikki Little

The cash was piling up from Wonderland's deal with the Korean grocery stores in Los Angeles to sell the various types of "Old Bill's" brandy, and I decided to spend a little of it with a nostalgic trip to Swilly's for their fish sandwich which I sort of liked. Mainly because I didn't get much fish of any type in Wonderland. Snark doesn't count. Yuk. Still haven't figured out how Cheshire lives off those things.

Anyway, Swilly's looked the same as ever inside. Silly clown statue in the front. Order at the front counter. It was new that you took a number and waited for your order to be prepared. No more prepared food waiting for you under infrared heat lights when you walked in. Swilly's now prepared everything fresh. Wonders never cease. Swilly's had learned a new trick.

I sat at a table with a window open behind me. It was evening, and an orange sunlight washed through the entire restaurant. The sunlight felt pleasant and made me drowsy. Classic rock from the 1960s and 70s played on the restaurant's sound system. Free's "All Right Now" from 1970 started up. I was eleven when I first heard it. The Vietnam War still raged on the television screens. Richard Nixon was President.

I finished my iced tea and went into the bathroom to take my blood pressure medicine. Everybody in my family lineage got high blood pressure eventually, and I was overdue. Hatter informed me that I finally had to start treating it.

I went into the bathroom to take my pill because I was just a bit paranoid that some busybody would call 911 on the cell phone and report me as taking drugs in the dining room of Swilly's. Just a few days ago, it was in the news that somebody had shot up heroin in a booth at a Swilly's. The TV news station then showed grainy black and white security video of the event. You'd think by now that people would know that security cameras in the U.S. record everything when you're out in public.

I was heading for the wash basin when a kitchen employee in a typical white restaurant cook uniform dashed by me without stopping at the wash basin. I couldn't help myself. My arm darted out and I caught the back of her uniform and swung her around in front of me.

"Forgetting something, Missy?" I snarled. I was pissed. Really pissed. The cook yanked away from me and tried to head for the door again. I opened a portal right in front of the door. No way out. She freaked.

"You're that crazy bitch from Wonderland!"

She cooks in a restaurant and doesn't wash her hands after doing her business. And she's calling me "crazy." I just had to know.

"You didn't make a fish sandwich for the dining room recently did you?" There were only a few people in the dining room and none of them appeared to have a fish sandwich.

"Yup."

"Did you make it with dirty hands?"

"Yup. Whatya gonna do about it, Miss Crazy?" She smirked at me. "My father is the owner and manager," she cackled. "He never washes his hands, either!" She was guffawing in my face. I don't know what overcame me. I just couldn't help it. Totally spontaneous. It just happened. My foot sprang out all on its own and the toe of my shoe planted itself squarely in her ass and knocked her through the portal. My turn to cackle.

"Welcome to Hell, Missy!" I stepped through the portal into an underworld below the City of Dis in Hell. Hadn't been there in awhile.

The cook was standing in the midst of a vast sea of shades who were strapped to beds and getting liquid and solid waste from all the flush toilets of Dis spewed through overhead pipes down onto their faces. The stream of shit and piss from the toilets was almost continuous. It reminded me of waterboarding. A favorite CIA method of torture. The constant mist in the air from all the splashing waste was suffocating. Malacoda had showed me this place a few visits ago when I asked him if there were any areas that I had missed while shepherding a bunch of kidnapped U.S. senators through Hell.

"This is what happens to restaurant cooks who willfully ignore proper sanitation procedures. You serve shit to your customers and you spend eternity getting shit in your face." The cook fainted. I grabbed her by the arm and took us both through a portal back into the kitchen of the restaurant and dumped her onto the floor. Kenny Rogers' "Just Dropped In" blared from the restaurant sound system. Everybody jerked around to stare at us. And grab their noses.

Ummm... Yeah. We reeked. Dead skunk reeked. Customers in the dining room abandoned their meals and sprinted out the doors. My victim and I were both soaked in pee mist from Hell. I decided it was time to leave and dropped myself through a portal leaving my stinky victim to the scorn of her fellow employees who probably all thought that she had eaten something weird and then just peed all over herself. Maybe she had. With that uniform dripping wet with pee mist from Hell, who would be able to tell?

I stepped out of my portal into a car wash. The employees all ran for cover as I stripped my clothes off, grabbed everything out of my pockets, and walked through. I knew better than to go straight back to Wonderland stinking to the high heavens. After my walkthrough, I waved at the car wash employees while jay-bird naked and stepped through a portal back to Wonderland. I left the nasty clothes behind. The car wash employees probably tossed them into a barrel and lit them. What else could they do? Besides upload the grainy, black and white, low-quality security video to YouTube.

I stepped out of the portal into my bedroom in Wonderland, grabbed a towel, and headed toward the outdoor shower stalls for a thorough scrubbing. I washed the stuff I rescued from my pockets, too. I don't think I'm ever going to go back to Swilly's to eat. I seem to have lost my appetite for up-top restaurant food, ya know?

It wasn't until three hours later that I remembered to take the damn blood pressure pill.

The End

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This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.


End file.
